Fear The Cheddah

New Blog About Ironman Training

2009-08-23T21:13:00.002-05:00

I know it's been awhile since I've posted. C'est la vie. Anyway, here's a new blog I like, you might want to check out. He's been talking about training for Ironman Wisconsin. I think people that try that long of a distance are insane, but what do I know. I just play poker.

Look what wondered into our backyard

2007-11-24T14:00:00.001-06:00

I guess it's part of living next to a nature perserve area in the middle of nowhere, but todday we had a vistor in our backyard. The neighbors had told us that some people had put in fences so they didn't "lose" their small dogs, but I didn't know they meant they'd get eaten.

Open Letter to the Chairman of LULU

2007-11-14T10:18:00.000-06:00

November 14, 2007

Mr. Dennis Wilson

2285 Clark Drive

Vancouver, BC

Dear Chairman Wilson:

I would like to propose a business combination which would be beneficial to both our companies. It appears your seaweed line of clothing has hit a snag - namely the lack of said seaweed in the line of clothing. I have a solution that will ensure you will never have to face the embarrassment of a test showing the lack of a labeled ingredient again.

I represent Unicorn Breeders LLC. We are the Category Captains engaged in the development of markets for our Grade A-Unicorn fur. While large-scale tests are currently underway, we believe Unicorn fur has health benefits - many the same as claimed by your seaweed-line of clothing. We also believe that our unique "UniPolymer" fur can reverse hair loss, melt off unwanted pounds and cause world peace to break out. Since you have a ready consumer base that is willing to pay extra for seaweed-infused shirts - a plant not nearly as cuddly and photogenic as any one of our members as our Unicorn herd - we believe marketing will be much easier for you as well. It's hard to imagine there is a group of people that would be willing to believe wearing shirts with seaweed is good for you yet ones with Unicorn fur is not. This is a slam dunk. Let's get this done.

I've saved the best news for last: Since we have an effective monopoly on the Unicorn trade, there is no control for nasty short-sellers to test against. As our herd of Unicorns is our most prized asset, you can rest easy in the knowledge the outside world will never know what the composition of Unicorn fur really is. We can provide you with cotton already mixed with Unicorn fur fibers to make sure there are no security breaches throughout the supply chain.

I know you'd like to think it over - probably over a morning bong hit. Take your time, but not too much time. We're also talking to other institutions. In fact, a major Central Bank is interested in using our fur for their currency due to it's ability to strengthen the currency in the face of both rate cuts and higher inflation. If we are going to supply the demand from both of you customers, we'll need to know soon in order to increase the herd size.

Ciao,

CY

2007-06-30T21:39:00.001-05:00

Still alive at dinner break. Last hand before dinner QQ beats AQ. 12k ave is 13k. 700 left 330 get paid

2007-06-30T16:20:00.000-05:00

Quick note from road. It's the first break and I've got 4500 after starting with 3000. I have Tommy Wu to my right. He's playing solid.

It's that time of year again

2007-06-28T13:31:00.000-05:00

Ok, lot of changes in the Cheddah household the past few months. Those I shall save for another day. Today, we're talking POKER!

Assuming my flight gets in on time, and the line for registration isn't two miles long, I will be playing in WSOP event #47 - NL Holdem. If there is a delay, I'll play in WSOP event #49.

I feel pretty good about my game. I'm not going to change much up from last year, except maybe try to be a little less tricky. I'll try to post updates as I can, but if you don't see one during the day tomorrow that means things are going well.

My back's not back to 100% so I'm thinking I'll rely about an ancient French remedy to keep the pain at bay while sitting for 12 hrs - Red Bull and Grey Goose. It's never met an ailment it can't cure. If I make it to the final table, I hope a few of you hop a flight to watch the fun on Sunday. I guess we'll cross that bridge Sat night. If you've staked me, by that point you'll be ahead enough to sell it to the wife.

Wish me (us) luck!

Breckenridge We Have A Problem

2007-02-11T20:05:00.000-06:00

I'm sorry I haven't posted the rest of the Nigerian EBay scam artist. I've had some issues of my own lately, as this pictures will show in graphic detail. Parents, please remove your children from the room. I'll wait.

Ok, here are pics of me 2 weeks into this little back injury. I'm feelin a ton better in this picture than I did a week earlier.

I know you are mesmerized by my Buns of Steel and nice choice of undergarments, but notice something in this picture: I'm attempting to stand straight. I've gotten my list down to 2 inches from my belly button to my nose. It's been much worse. I didn't sit in a chair all day today. I only laid on my back or stood the whole day.

So, what are the odds I'm skiing by Thur? I'm hoping I might be up for it by Sat. Luckily I'm on Percocet which makes everything all right. And I mean EVERYTHING.

So no Nigerian scam today. With some luck I'll have it up tomorrow. Until then, enjoy another beefcake pic:

Oh Those Wacky Nigerians

2007-01-26T20:57:00.000-06:00

Hello all. Life's been busy and I've been lazy so I haven't posted for awhile. But I promise the next few days I'll have some high comedy for you, brought to you by one-part poor EBay security, four-parts Nigerian greed.

The Background:

Even after getting burned twice trying to sell an extra XBox 360 I have, I decided to go back to the EBay well. One of the reasons is we own a lot of it at work, and I feel it's my duty as a shareholder to use their service when I can. I'm starting to think they have a real problem with security, but I'll leave that post to another night.

I have a PS2 with a ton of games. 28 equals a ton in this case. I've gotten samples from game companies for a few of them, but in general I've bought most of them over the years. I bought a dance pad and DDR Extreme 2 for the kids but they were too young to enjoy it at the time and therefore it quickly got packed up in a box. Anyway, all this crap is taking up space, so I decided to try to sell it on EBay.

From my recent experience, you need to post in your ad that you won't sell outside of the US, and won't accept bids from users with feedback less than 5. That's because EBay's new user screening sucks. HARD. In my XBox 360 debacle, the first fraudulent bidder signed up as a US user but wanted me to ship to the UK, while paying from a different address. This account was brand new. A friend of mine took 3 tries to sell his Wii bundle and ran into similar problems.

I therefore posted I will cancel all bids that are from someone with less than 5 feedback unless they email me and get permission first. I also said US buyers only. In a moment of weakness, I decided to use the Buy It Now option in case I found someone really motivated to buy a PS2. That was not so smart.

Within THIRTY SECONDS of posting the auction, my Buy It Now was hit. And who by, you may ask? A brand new user with a generic name much like John Doe. Unlike in a regular auction where you can shitcan any bidder you don't like, if Buy It Now is hit the auction ends. That means I'm stuck with this turd of a buyer, who I already know with 95% certainty is going to me a scammer.

My confidence level rises to 100% when I get the email from this individual. I'll share that with you tomorrow, but the scam he seems to be trying to run is so lame that I have a hard time believing anyone falls for it. Then again, I have a hard time believing anyone watched Katie Coruic voluntarily in the morning either, and now she's on prime time news. I shouldn't be amazed by our populace's race to the bottom, I guess.

Anywho...I'm now in the process of trying to get some sort of trophy from this Nigerian scammer. I was hoping he'd pull the Fake Cashiers Check scam, so I could frame that badboy and put it up on the wall. Unfortunately, $175 doesn't qualify for Cashiers Check treatment so that dream will have to wait until I EBay another day. Instead, my goal is to get as many of the following as possible:
1)a picture of this guy
2)him to prepay shipping so I can send him some bricks and bags of Jobu-shit on his tab
3)the Holy Grail: him to send me cash to cover shipping

I've been saving my conversations with him so far, so I'll start posting them over the next week. I have no idea how far this will go, but for now he's buying my act. He believes I'm a dumb college kid, and that I believe him because he is on a religious missionary assignment - in the UK. I also believe his story that his son is attending computer college at the world-famous Nigerian University. (Come to think of it, didn't Larry Ellison graduate from there?)

So stay tuned. Hopefully I'll soon have some pics and better stories from this adventure.

Coffee is For Closers - and You, NCAA Chickball League, Get No Coffee

2006-12-06T15:53:00.000-06:00

I'm not dead, I've just been spending time gaining weight for the upcoming winter. I think I'm finally at the point where I shouldn't need to wear a jacket the entire season - the combo of my blubber and body hair should protect me on all but the coldest nights. And on those nights, I've always got my buddy Jimmy Beam.

Anywho...

I'm watching some random football/basketball game in late November, and I see on the ESPN ticker something that captured my eye. The Woman's Basketball #12 AZ State/#18 Rutgers game was canceled.

My interest was heightened? What happened? Was there a Cholera breakout in the Virgin Islands (where the game was to be played)? A plane crash? Did the NCAA finally install a minimum attendance rule?

No. None of that. Instead, two Top 20 teams decided to call off the game because...(drum roll please)..a family member of one of the players died.

Now that's a very sad thing, and I'm not making light of the fact that it's a tragedy for the player involved. However, could you imagine a situation in which two top 20 men's teams IN ANY SPORT called off a game because a relative of one of the players died? Shit, the work-release football team from Miami had an honest to goodness STARTING PLAYER killed, and they ending up playing that week. And Miami sucks. And old man Paterno was coaching with a BONE STICKING OUT OF LEG. He's like 92 yrs old, so he's pretty damn wise. And what wisdom did he show by example that day: Sport is the most important thing on Earth.

If you want to be treated like a breadwinner sport, you best be prepared to shake it off, suck it up, and whatever it takes to put asses in the seats. One way to do that is to ACTUALLY PLAY THE GAMES WHEN SCHEDULED. To do elsewise is an admission of the obvious - your sport doesn't matter.

And Now..a new feature:

Links To Ruin Your Evening!

1) Dustin Diamond Is Finally Living Up To His Porn Name

The link is safe for work, but I didn't have the heart/sack/stomach to go to the direct source. Godspeed if you do.

Goodbye, GOP

2006-09-30T16:40:00.000-05:00

It pains me to write this, but I no longer consider myself a Republican. A little background:

I interned for a good man, Republican Congressman Scott Klug, in Washington DC. I worked for another good man state representative for many years. I was on the Dane County Republican Party Board of Directors during this time. I helped a good man in his quest to win the GOP nomination for Senate. I'm not some newbie to the GOP scene.

I no longer plan on voting Republican. Last night, Frist The Cat-Killer got his wish: he attached the internet gambling bill to the oh-so-related Port Security bill, and got it past. Good going, moron. You've got me interested in politics again. This time, I'm going to be a royal pain-in-the-ass when you and your minyons hit me up for cash the next election cycle. I became a Republican when I got sick of the Dems shoving their belief system using force down my throat in college. Now you decide that you know better than I how I should spend my evenings. As long as I want to bet on the horses, or pick numbers at random, gambling is cool. But if I want to play a game of skill for a few dollars, I'm burning in hell in the eyes of the government. You're not winning votes with this: the people that thing poker is evil were voting for you anyway. You've just alienated the 6 million people that play recreationally, and at least 40% of them lean GOP. Or did.

When either party decides they have more important things at hand than telling me that what I enjoy is harmful, let me know.

If you only had listened

2006-09-29T08:48:00.000-05:00

I've been very busy the past few months, mainly making sure my midlife crisis is as full and expansive as possible. Changes may be afoot, but time will only tell what is in store.

So, enough 9th grade level creative writing. Time to shift down to the k-6 level. I'm posting today to say "I TOLD YOU SO". You laughed at me when I said we need to protect ourselves, and some of you called me barbaric when I said we ought to wipe out every last one of their stinking kind before they got enough power to begin their reign of terror. Hell, even after they attacked those known for their peaceful nature, you told me they were just trying to eradicate Lyme Disease at the source. I was skeptical, but I went quiet.

Well no more. After reading this story about the bastards attacking children, I can sit still no more. It's time to do something about this menace. Here's my PSA of the day:

Kids, if you see one of these, shoot first and ask questions later. If you aren't packing heat (you fool), remember to cover the groin and the jugular as they force you to the ground. And try to go out with some dignity, son.

How To Guarantee You'll Lose A WSOP Event

2006-07-14T08:31:00.000-05:00

I know I promised I'd write about The Hand from the World Series of Poker $2000 NL event, but I got sidetracked while in Vegas by Vodka and sleep deprivation. Now that I've had a few weeks to ponder the experience I've come to some conclusions about my poker play:

1) I'd definitely do that again. It was a lot of fun, and I didn't feel like I was outclassed by any of the players. I might have a little more respect for money than the pros (which is one of the things that make them great) but after engaging them in table-talk it pretty clear they are just human too.
2) $2000 in chips is less than you'd think. When I looked at the blind schedule, I thought I'd have plenty of time to work. It's better than only starting with $1000, but it seemed like the time to start making moves came quicker than I anticipated.
3) I need to use more phrases from the SciFi channel in my life. Today will be vulgarities from the great show Battlestar Galactica.
4) THE HAND.
Immediately after I played this hand, I was upset. I had a decent player to my left that tried to make me feel better about it, saying he would have played it the same way. In the heat of the tournament, that was enough to placate me.

I now know he was full of crap. I could not have butchered this hand any worse. For those of you that don't play poker, indulge me for a bit. You'll learn a little about how tournament poker should(and should not) be played by analyzing this hand.

So, lets jump right in, shall we....

Background: I am on the button (meaning I am last to bet on the flop and after. I have position on everyone else in this hand) with about T$4900. Mr. Phan to my right is the chip leader with T$8000 or so. In seat #1 is a frumpy-looking woman with a bad sunburn that covers her face and shoulders, and does a "V" down to where I assume her cleavage should be. I think it's this lady:

She has only been at our table for 8 hands, and hasn't played one yet. The blinds are $50/100. The woman bets $300, a standard bet size.

Everyone between her and I folds. I look down and see KK.

My thought process: Ize the Man! Ok, how am I gonna take the maximum amount off of Ms. Sunburn. Well, I need to raise a good amount to get some money in the pot.

I raise to $1200. Note: This is the only step in the process I did frack up.

Sunburn woman calls.

Now, at this point, I'm wondering what she has. I'm guessing she has TT-AA, or maybe AK-AJ? It's hard to tell since she hasn't played a hand yet, but she hasn't showed any suicidal tendencies to this point so I'm operating under the assumption she's playing solid hands. She also has a slightly above-average stack size so she's not in panic mode.

The flop comes A68, rainbow (the suits don't match). Sunburn woman checks.

My thought process: Ah crap, she hit her damn A. I'll check as well.

WRONGWRONGWRONGWRONG!

Mistake #1: I need to bet here. If she has an A, I'll find out soon enough if I bet. Otherwise, I have no idea what she has. If she has a small Ace (like A-3 lets say, which would be stupid to call with out of position against a reraise, but people in general are stupid) she's likely to fold. If she has a smaller pair, she'll be faced with a tough choice. She would have to respect the possibility I raised with a big A like AK or AQ. Checking is the pussy play, unless I'm setting her up for a big move on the turn.

The turn is another A. Sunburn bets $1000 into a pot of $2700.
My thought process: Ok, I'm pretty sure she doesn't have the A now.The odds went down since there are only 2 remaining A's unseen, so she's likely got a biggish pair like QQ or JJ. I'm a little confused by the bet size since it's so small compared to the pot. It's like she wants me to call, or she is just hoping the small bet will make me go away if I have nothing. Hmm...{I then take 2 minutes of time to ponder my decision}...well, I'll just call.

WRONGWRONGWRONGWRONG!

Mistake #2: If you don't know what to do, Raise or Fold. NEVER FRACKING CALL!
Arrgg, my blood pressure still boils over this one. In retrospect, I should have pushed all in. I might have lost, and went out of the tourney right here but that's the risk I need to take. Let's go through the hand ranges again:

I'm ahead of:
QQ
JJ
TT
KQ
and all the 87suited that some donkeys would play into a reraise.

I'm behind:
A-anything
66
88

Now, my read on her hasn't changed at this point. If I am trusting my instincts, the only hands she is holding that beat me are Ak,Aq,Aj. And with 2 A's on the flop, the odds she has an A versus one of the other hands is small. If she hit trips, I'm going to lose some money. There's a lot of money on the table now, so winning the pot is good compensation. Plus, she's not yet pot-committed. She's still got $3000 or so behind her so she's got enough left where a all-in reraise will put her to the test.

In no-limit poker, your goal is to find pressure points where you force the other person to make the tough decision for all of their chips. This was a classic spot where I could have done that. I instead decided to poke the pooch and call.

Now, folding wasn't the worst option either. I think the all-in was better, but folding here gets me away with $1200 loss, and still leaves me with a decent chip stack. I'd have to think she had the A to do this though, and I didn't think she did.

The river comes some card that doesn't look important. Sunburn utters the words "all in".

My thinking: I'm

You stupid little man. What the hell did you think she was going to do after you hem/haw for 3 minutes on the turn and then just CALL. Look at Chris Ferguson, he's repulsed to even be sitting at the same table as you. You can't call this all in, so fold like the eunuch you are.

What I should have done: There was now $4700 in the pot, not counting her all in for about $3000 more. She's definitely representing the A, but with the weakness I showed she probably should move in with the Hammer (72o). Having botched it this badly to this point, I'm left dangling out there not knowing where the hell I stand in this hand. You want to be the one with the aggression, putting the other person all in. I'm not the kind of guy that likes to go broke with only a pair CALLING an all-in. I'd feel much better moving all-in with a pair.

So, having called the turn bet, I should have been prepared to go all in on the river no matter what card came. But that means I should have moved all-in on the river. If I was going to fold the river, I should have folded on the flop. I once again played this as weak as possible, by only calling and then folding on the river.

This hand didn't cripple me, but it came right before the blinds moved up. It forced me to play much faster by loosening up my starting hands. I still have no idea what she had, though the more I reflect on it I would put her on QQ or JJ. From her perspective, she shows weakness when the A comes on the flop, yet I only check. That means I'm afraid of the A. When she bets on the second A, I take forever to call. I obviously don't like my hand but am too dense to get rid of it. So the river is an automatic all-in because I'm unlikely to call.

I off course flip over my cards, throw them down in disgust, and act like a twit. I've only lost my cool like that one other time while playing poker, where about 2 years ago some assgobbler bluffed me out of a 3 way pot for $250 (and of course,lost to the other guy, so didn't profit from it.)

So to you, Ms. Sunburn, I say well-played. To Chris Ferguson and John Phan, I would like to blame that hand on a temporary minor brain stroke. I promise to never make that mistake again.

Please use the comments to give me the lashing I deserve. As Nietzsche said, "What causes self-loathing only makes me stronger."

PS: If you haven't played online poker yet, and want to try it out at Party Poker, email me. I've got a deal where I'll give you the $50 to fund your account so you can try it out. If you'd rather just have a bigger deposit bonus at poker try this out.

Close but no cigar

2006-07-04T02:16:00.000-05:00

I got to the final table of the tourney today. Top 5 were paid with first being over 2500. I went out in 8th. Here's how it went down.
The blinds were 600-1200 with 75 blinds. I had about 8500 when we moved to the final table and had bled down to 8100ish.
The guy in 2nd position raises to 3600. He gets FOUR callers. No raises just calls. I look down in the big blind. I've got 99. While that was a nice surprise I would have raised all-in with any two cards at that point. It was going to be hard for anyone up front to call, and the limpers in back could have went allin if they felt strong. So I push allin.
The upfront guy nguished for a long time and eventually mucked AJ. I got 2 other all ins: mr. Wild actually had a hand for once and showed AK. The other dude had 5s (?!). I was good until the river when the K came, and good game to me sir.
Waiting for the plane. It going to be a long 4th of July unless I get some sleep. Once I saw the number of kids on this flight I went and bought some Nyquil gel caps. I hope that and the noise-canceling headphones work their magic.
See ya on the ground.

Todays tourney

2006-07-03T17:36:00.000-05:00

I decided to take some cash game winnings and play in a tourney at the Venetian. It is a great tourney structure where you get 3000 chips and the blinds start at 25-50. The levels are 30 mins long too which gives some time.
We're now down to 12 left, 5 get paid. I'm the chip leader at my table. So far I've just played solid poker. In the next round I'll start to mix it up a bit.
Wish me luck.

The dream is over

2006-07-02T04:27:00.000-05:00

I'm out. i'm told that Card Player had extensive coverage of my table. Part of that was from having a WSOP Champion at the table along with Pham. we also evidebtly had a writer from Card Player there as well.
There 's one hand I wish I could redo. I'll weite more oncw I'm sober but other than that I think I played solid. I went to bally's and ended up taking $425 from the 1/2 nl cash game ( $300 max buy in). the hand I won the bulk of the cash on involved 2 players eventually going all in 'in the dark'. They never looked at their cards. I'll write more tomorrow I'm tired and drunky now.

End of first break

2006-07-01T16:34:00.000-05:00

I have 3900 chips at the first break so doing pretty well. I had AA one hand and got a loose aggressive player to give me a good chunk of his stack on a bluff. I pulled a stop and go when he reraised me on the flop.. I also had JJ one hand hold up on a scary board.
35 mins in, Chris 'Jesus' Ferguson sits down 3 to my left. There's another pro I don't know 2 to my left. And then 45 mins in, a guy busts out directly to my right. Who fills the spot? John Phan. And he's got to be close to the chip leader. So I've tightened up some though I lost about 1000 when my 99 lost to his 10 4 good buddy on a ten high flop.
Soon i'll need to take chances but not quite yet.

Still going strong

2006-07-01T04:31:00.000-05:00

I learned something new tonight: they no longer serve food in first class. Instead they serve drinks every 15 minutes. Yikes!

I just got back from dinner with zach after picking up my registration stuff. I am at table 153. The room is as big as you would expect to fit 200+ tables. Its crazy.

My luck is already good

2006-06-30T19:27:00.000-05:00

I get to the airport in Milwaukee and quickly breeze through security. I get to my gate and surprise surprise : they are selling first-class upgrades for $90!
I get the last one. An additional bonus is the food. The concourse of the airport i'm in here had no food available due to remodeling. Since I haven't eaten since noon, going to Vegas on no food in 12 hours is a bad way to start off your trip. No longer....
I'm going to be golden I can feel it!

Mr. Rogers Turned Over In His Grave

2006-06-16T08:22:00.000-05:00

When your company has a reputation for being "behind the times" and "stodgy", it's not a good idea to go shopping at Mr. Roger's estate sale to get clothes for the big nationally-televised press conference. It's even worse when you coordinate with your buddy.

IT'S JUNE PEOPLE! The way this whole thing was handled makes me even more nervous owning MSFT stock. Tip for the future: If you ever find yourself the richest man in the world, feel free to give me only 2 weeks notice, not 2 years. I'm already assuming you're not doing dick day-to-day anyway.

TV Can Make Youze Smarter

2006-06-10T14:11:00.000-05:00

Well, I guess all those days spent watching the Simpsons weren't totally bad for me. I actually attended calc class and didn't even know it! I'm pretty sure the beer/booze/etc still hurt me though.

========================================

Mathematical references abound on The Simpsons
Erica Klarreich

In the 1995 Halloween episode of the award-winning animated sitcom The Simpsons, two-dimensional Homer Simpson accidentally jumps into the third dimension. During his journey in this strange world, geometric solids and mathematical formulas float through the air, including an innocent-looking equation: 178212 + 184112 = 192212. Most viewers surely ignored this bit of mathematical gobbledygook.

Fox Broadcasting Company

On the fan discussion site alt.tv.simpsons, however, the equation caused a bit of a stir. "What's going on, he seems to have disproved Fermat's last theorem!" one fan marveled, referring to the famous claim by Pierre de Fermat—proved just months earlier—that for any exponent n bigger than 2, there are no nonzero whole numbers a, b, and c for which an + bn = cn. The Simpsons equation, if correct, would be a counterexample to the theorem, meaning that the proof had been wrong.

Plug the equation into any run-of-the-mill calculator and it seems to check out. The 12th root of 178212 + 184112, according to a calculator, is 1,922. Yet it's easy to see that the equation is false, because the left-hand side is odd, while the right-hand side is an even number. There's no paradox here: It's simply a matter of the calculator's round-off error.

To David X. Cohen, the Simpsons writer who concocted the equation, the fans' responses were a source of glee. Cohen had written a computer program specifically to look for what mathematicians call Fermat "near misses": combinations of numbers a, b, c, and n that come so close to satisfying Fermat's equation that they would seem to work when tested on a calculator.

Why go to such lengths for a background joke that would flash across the screen in a matter of seconds? Mainly for the fun of it, but also to flex intellectual muscles that don't typically get exercised in Hollywood script rooms: Cohen has a master's degree in computer science.

As a mathematically inclined Simpsons writer, Cohen is in good company. Although nobody would call The Simpsons a science show, the writing staff boasts an impressive array of former mathematicians, scientists, and computer scientists. Over the years, they have injected their brand of geeky humor into the show. They've written hundreds of math jokes, ranging in subtlety from Cohen's fake Fermat equation to open jabs at the mathematical illiteracy of the general public. Math has occasionally even provided the theme of an episode.

Digital details
The Simpsons writers have a perfectionistic streak when it comes to math on the show, even when it's just for a throwaway joke. For instance, after Cohen realized that his Fermat near miss could be refuted so easily by an even-odd argument, he refined his computer program to produce a new one without that flaw: 398712 + 436512 = 447212, which appeared on Homer Simpson's basement blackboard in 1998.

In another episode, Kwik-E-Mart proprietor Apu brags that he can recite pi to 40,000 decimal places. "The last digit is 1," he announces. To get that detail right, the Simpsons writing team faxed a query to NASA, where mathematician David Bailey obliged with the digit in question.

The writers never put in a math joke simply to tickle only their own funny bones, according to Ken Keeler, a Simpsons writer with a Ph.D. degree in applied math. "We always think there are a moderate number of viewers who will get it," he said last October during a panel discussion about math on The Simpsons at the Mathematical Sciences Research Institute in Berkeley, Calif. "Based on the newsgroups and fan sites, it seems as if somebody finds everything we put in."

The Simpsons writers often play on mathematical cultural stereotypes, extracting humor by exaggerating both the mathematical illiteracy of the U.S. public and the nerdiness and self-aggrandizement of the mathematically gifted. In a characteristic exchange, in the third-dimension episode, mad scientist Professor Frink tries to explain to Police Chief Wiggum the nature of the three-dimensional space through which Homer Simpson is wandering.

Prof. Frink - Discoverer of the Frinkahedron, or cube.
Fox Broadcasting Company

Frink: It should be obvious to even the most dimwitted individual who holds an advanced degree in hyperbolic topology that Homer Simpson has stumbled into the third dimension. . . . (drawing on a blackboard) Here is an ordinary square.

Wiggum: Whoa, whoa—slow down, egghead!

Frink: But suppose we extend the square beyond the two dimensions of our universe, along the hypothetical z-axis, there. This forms a three-dimensional object known as a "cube," or "Frinkahedron" in honor of its discoverer.

"One of the themes we've harped on is Professor Frink trying to seize credit for something," Keeler says. "That should be very familiar to people in academia."

Gender issues in mathematics take center stage in "Girls just want to have sums," which aired on April 30. It lampoons the scandal that ensued in 2005 when Lawrence Summers, then president of Harvard University, suggested that women are innately inferior at mathematics.

In that Simpsons episode, Springfield Elementary School Principal Skinner is ousted after casually remarking that girls aren't much good at math. Skinner's female replacement divides the boys and girls into separate schools since, she says, girls can't learn math around "aggressive, obnoxious" boys.

Brainy 8-year-old Lisa Simpson is delighted until she attends the girls' math class. "How do numbers make you feel?" the teacher begins. "What does a plus sign smell like? Is the number 7 odd or just different?" Aghast, Lisa poses as a boy to attend the ghettolike boys' school, where real math is being taught.

At the climax, the Simpsons writers leave the issue of women in mathematics tantalizingly unresolved. As Lisa, aka Jake, accepts the award for best math student, she says, "I guess the real reason we don't see many women in math and science is. . ." only to be hurried off stage so that the award for best flautist can be presented.

Simpsonian evolution
Most of the mathematically inclined Simpsons writers also wrote for Futurama, an animated science fiction series that aired on network television from 1999 to 2003. On that show, math jokes abounded.

In a typical scene, two robots meet and discover what to them is an amazing coincidence: their serial numbers are, respectively, 3370318 and 2716057. As the robots high-five delightedly, they explain to their bewildered human companions that both numbers are expressible as the sum of two cubes.

The exchange is a not-so-veiled reference to a famous mathematical anecdote. When mathematician G.H. Hardy visited mathematical prodigy Srinivasa Ramanujan in a London hospital in 1917, he lamented to Ramanujan that his taxi had a very boring number, 1729. On the contrary, Ramanujan immediately replied, that number is very interesting: It's the smallest number expressible as the sum of two cubes in two different ways.

In contrast to The Simpsons, Futurama permitted the writers to let their mathematical fancies run wild and to cram in math references for their personal delectation, Keeler says. "That's why it's not on the air any more," he jokes.

Yet even on The Simpsons, the writers constantly have their radars tuned for opportunities to incorporate math humor. Jeff Westbrook, who has a Ph.D. in computer science, said at the panel discussion that he's on the lookout for a way to work in the Bridges-of-Königsberg problem. Mathematician Leonhard Euler famously attacked this problem in 1736, using graph theory to show that there is no route through the city of Königsberg, Germany, that traverses each of its seven bridges just once.

In the meantime, Westbrook says, the Simpsons writers embedded some mathematically interesting numbers in the season finale, which has since aired on May 21. In that episode, a singing star tells her estranged baseball-player husband that she will come back to him if he can correctly guess the attendance of that day's ballgame: 8,191, 8,128, or 8,208.

At the panel discussion, Westbrook declined to elaborate on just how these numbers are interesting. In the same spirit, we leave that question as a challenge to readers. (Visit the Simpsons post at http://blog.sciencenews.org/ to let us know what you figure out.) As Homer Simpson would surely say, "D'oh!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you have a comment on this article that you would like considered for publication in Science News, send it to editors@sciencenews.org. Please include your name and location.

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References:

For a Web site that provides an episode-by-episode listing of references to math in The Simpsons, compiled by mathematicians Sarah J. Greenwald of Appalachian State University and Andrew Nestler of Santa Monica College, go to http://simpsonsmath.com/.

For The Simpsons TV series Web site, see http://www.thesimpsons.com/.

A transcript of a conversation between writer Jeff Westbrook and mathematician Sarah Greenwald is available at http://www.cs.appstate.edu/~sjg/futurama/
jeffwestbrookinterview.html.

Further Readings:

Information about a special event featuring writers from The Simpsons and Futurama, held at the Mathematical Sciences Research Institite in Berkeley, Calif., can be found at http://www.msri.org/calendar/specialevents/
SpecialEventInfo/193/show_specialevent.

Sources:

Sarah Greenwald
Department of Mathematics
Appalachian State University
Boone, NC 28608

From Science News, Vol. 169, No. 23, June 10, 2006, p. 360.

Ok, I'll play

2006-06-01T23:14:00.000-05:00

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

This Online Poker Tournament is a No Limit Texas Holdem event exclusive to Bloggers.

Registration code: 3961561

------------------------------------
I haven't played on Party in probably 2 years. Now I remember why. I know there are fish a-plenty there, but they seem to be catching a ton of fun against me. It's like playing at BoDog. I know plenty of people that make good money there, but I seem to be the chum put in to feed the fricking carp feed on. I get to limp in to a 4 way pot at a 6 handed table with QJc, and pick up a straight and flush draw when flop comes 2 clubs,with 9K. No one bets, and turn comes a 9. I lead out pot size bet, get 2 callers. River is a beautiful 98 of clubs for my flush...
..except the other pud had 98, so he made his full house. Ayyeehh..

I know that stuff happens, but I just got a nice compressed shot of it tonight. $200 gone pretty quickly. It never helps that I got a good headache as well.

Ok, enough whining. Tomorrow I post some of the weirdest stuff of the week. Until then..

Let's light this candle

2006-05-30T17:04:00.000-05:00

I open up my email today and had this message. I guess there's no going back.

Mr. Cheddah:

Congratulations!! The World Series of Poker is the most prestigious Poker event in the world. This is a receipt for your payment of the Tournament Entry Fee of $2000, which reserves you a seat in WSOP Event #6 on Saturday, July 1, 2006 at 12 noon.

Upon arrival at the RIO, to finalize your Registration and to receive your table and seat assignment, please visit our Registration Center, located in the WSOP Tournament Area. You must complete your Tournament Registration at least one hour prior to your event. Please be prepared to provide proof of identity via a Drivers License, Passport or Military I.D.

This yearÂs WSOP will no doubt be the largest and most exciting gaming event in history. Harrahs continues to lead the industry in creating an innovative gaming experience for valued guests. Harrahs and the Tournament Staff sincerely wish you, GOOD LUCK!!

-----------------------------

I played a little Sunday night in order to try to get back into the groove. I haven't had much luck in Tournaments lately, but I think I'm making the right moves. I played in a 1000 person, $24+2 one on Full Tilt as a warmup. Boy, that was fun to watch. Evidently there was something excellent on TV that I didn't know about because the betting usually went like this:

Player one: Raise 3.5x blinds
Player two: fold
Player three: All In
Rest of table: Fold
Player one: call

Player One: KQo

Player Three shows 66.

I just sat back and watched the fireworks. I caught a few nice hands as well, and got paid off on most of them. We lost 60% of the crowd in the first 56 hands. I know the 10 min blind structure forces you to play fast, but that's hopped-up-on-Adderall fast.

Anyway, 2 hrs in, I call an all-in from UTG on a 6d7dTc flop with Ad9d. Guy had KdQd. He'd been playing fast and thought he might have an even worse flush draw than he ended up with. The Q came on the river, and I was now short stacked. I doubled up once but still had an M below 4, so when I saw KQ on button it was a no-brainer push all-in. It didn't take Mr. AK in the big blind long to call, and I'm out in 200th-something.

I really concentrated on making good reads, and did well in that regard. Still played junk too much after a big win, but that'll get out of my system soon. I think that's a side-effect of playing so much 6-person $2-4nl lately. The games are as you'd expect, and with people over-playing top-pair any-kicker it's been profitable to try to limp in and then call small raises with the 67's of the world. originallylly started playing the 6-handed games to work on upping my aggression; that has happened to some degree. But since the ultra aggro's tend to play there, I've spent more time playing the willing calling station than I would have thought before hitting those tables.

Finally, for those that didn't see it, I've been drinking this shake and it really works. It's allowed me to moonlight as a tow truck. Not a tow truck driver, but the actual truck. After watching the video of the 76 yr old He-Man, I was deeply disturbed. He's crossed the line from "guy-that-profits-from-others'-pain-but-gives-them-hope-healing-whatever" to "snake oil salesman that belongs in prison". If I pulled this shit, I'd be in jail tomorrow. We can hope the same happens to Pat the Presser as well.

My first Royal Flush

2006-05-21T01:27:00.000-05:00

Too bad I shared it with 6 of my most passive, loose friends.

Full Tilt Poker
No Limit Holdem Ring game
Blinds: $2/$4
6 players
Converter

Stack sizes:
UTG: $92
Hero: $456.30
CO: $507.50
Button: $441.90
SB: $430
BB: $284.35

Pre-flop: (6 players) Hero is UTG+1 with :9d :kd
UTG calls, Hero calls, CO calls, Button calls, SB calls, BB checks.

Flop: :Kc :Tc :Qc ($24, 6 players)
SB checks, BB checks, UTG checks, Hero checks, CO checks, Button checks.

Turn: :Jc ($24, 6 players)
SB checks, BB checks, UTG checks, Hero checks, CO checks, Button checks.

River: :Ac ($24, 6 players)
SB checks, BB bets $13, UTG calls, Hero calls, CO calls, Button calls, SB calls.

Results:
Final pot: $102
Button showed 4d Ad
SB showed 5s 3d
BB showed Ts 7d
UTG showed 6d 6s
Hero showed 9d Kd
CO showed 5h 2h

Haven't given an update in awhile, but here's the year so far:

I mailed in the WSOP check this week. I'm looking forward to some time in the desert with friends and cards. With some luck, we'll all make some money too.

This should come as no surprise to anyone that knows me

2006-05-10T17:14:00.000-05:00

My rating on the funny test...

the Provacateur

(61% dark, 38% spontaneous, 57% vulgar)
your humor style:
VULGAR COMPLEX DARK

You'll crack on anything, and you're often witty, even caustic, about it.

Therefore, your sense of humor is polarizing. You're transgressive, and you've got a seriously sharp 'edge'--maybe too much for some folks. If they get you, people think you're one of the funniest (and smartest) people in the world. If they don't, they think you're an ass. Whatever, right? While some might question your judgement, your comic intellect is unquestionably respected.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Chris Rock - Lenny Bruce - George Carlin

The 3-Variable Funny Test!
- it rules -

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 99% on darkness

You scored higher than 99% on spontaneity

You scored higher than 99% on vulgarity

Half marathon Live Blog #3

2006-05-06T09:30:00.000-05:00

Well I finished and did it under 2:10. I only threw up in my mouth once. Of course one of the women with us ran a 1:25. On a pound-per-pound basis, I'm probably the fastest man in this race that finished. I think I saw a 400lb man walking it, but he had to have stroked out at some point. Time to drink.

Pre-race live blog.

2006-05-06T05:35:00.000-05:00

Ok i'm dressed. I couldn't find anywhere to get an EggMcMuffin. Bastards. Time to go out and sit in the bins with 35000 other people. I'm in coral P - for Phat.

2006-05-06T05:05:00.000-05:00

Why the hell am I running this half marathon again?

The alarm has been snoozed for 30 min now. I just want to go back to bed.

Happy BDay Anthony

2006-03-21T13:33:00.000-06:00

For everyone that showered gifts upon Big Tony, he is quite pleased.

(This was supposed to be his "sad" face to make his uncle feel bad. I was trying to send it to his Uncle John who was in Vegas this weekend instead of sitting through the joy of a pre-k birthday party. This was right after he texts me that he's sitting next to Pete Rose in the Caesar's sports book. Pete wasn't betting according to my sources. I also hear he was talking smack about my drinking ability. Oooh...he knows not what beast he has awoken. Anyway, Tony's not so good at sad on demand.)

Quite a few friends were enjoying the weekend fun in Vegas and has other celeb viewings. One friend played craps with Charles Oakley at the Bellagio. The night before, Charles and Phil Ivey were playing at the same table, seemingly unaware of who the other guy was. Oakley was very nice, though he mumbled a lot. He also hasn't become a fat-ass. I guess I've taken that cross for him.

Vince Vaughn was at Paris, and early the next morning Jen was seen desperately looking though her purse for my cell number. That woman just won't take no for an answer. We all know Cheddah is an aphrodisiac, but people - give The Cheese his space.

I haven't played poker in a few days, been busy with work and the new dog. He gets up at 6am for his morning walk/run, and frankly that sucks. On the plus side, I'm at least getting some running in before the half-marathon I'm signed up for in May. One of the harder things I've had to adjust to is going from a fast distance runner in my younger days to one where people look at you like you're suffering a heart attack after jogging for 5 minutes. In my head, I can still fly but in reality I'm now slow.

Anyway, here's the dog. He's tired after 3 miles which is good. I plan on having a poker post up here one of these days soon.

NCAA Hoops Picks

2006-03-15T16:07:00.000-06:00

For those of you that care...Dr. J has given me his early round picks. His idea to pick the under for the half and full game in all of the Thursday Big Ten tourney games worked out well. So he's on a little roll for what that's worth. More will be available tomorrow for the later games.

Highest Tier (not in any order, all for/against the spread):

Wichita State, S. Alabama, Boston College and San Diego State.

For Those That Like Action Even With No Edge:

Texas A&M, Gonzaga, Illinois, Belmont.

Speaking of basketball, you'll never bet on Villanova making it to the Final Four if you see this video. You also might not keep down your lunch. I think it's a motivator myself, and if he has that kind of cartoon eye powers who knows what else he can do.

WSOP 2006 - Fear the Cheddah Nation

2006-03-15T15:34:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm filling out the forms today. I'm entering the 2006 WSOP $2000 NL event (that's event #6 for those of you scoring at home). I invite all of you that are looking for something to do the weekend before July 4th to head on out and join the Cheddah Nation in rooting me on/laughing at my incompetence. I've actually sold 50% of myself for this event, and have 10% collected. I decided selling my action was a good idea for a variety of reasons:

I'm not that good. I thought about trying to sell 200% of my action, and pulling a Texas Hold-em version of The Producers. Unfortunately, I don't have that many gullible friends.
I've played in events costing me up to $600 before, and feel comfortable I can play a $1000 event without being scared money. $2000, I'm not sure about. This way it keeps me in my comfort envelope.
I think it'll give enough people incentive to come out, drink heavily, and heckle that I should be able to have a good time if the six-sigma event were to happen and I don't make the final table of action. 4 nights in Vegas is every American's God-given right, and I feel like I'm doing my part giving anyone an out to booze it up.

I'm playing pretty well, having taken up SNG's again. I won a $55 one last night on Star, but am more happy about the way I played than the results. Selectively aggressive, picking the right times to pimp-slap those that seemed weak and getting away from hands where I thought I was beat.

Anyway, if you want to join us out there, let me know. It should be a good time.

He did make The Man Show suck

2006-03-09T09:10:00.000-06:00

When Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel left the Man Show, it really hit the skids. It went from a cutting-edge take on the agnst of the modern man (with Girls on Trampolines and an old dude that slammed beer) to a piece of public access cable crap (with Girls on Trampolines). I think the change killed The Fox.

And I've always secretly blamed Joe Rogan for it. Look, the guy actually had some sort of career. He was in News Radio and Just Shoot Me. Yes, those aren't Oscar winners but they gotta pay the bills. Doug Stanhope on the other hand, has "Porn Director" in Memphis Bound and "Homeless Jack" in Rude Awakening as his prior credits. This means two things:
1) Doug doesn't likely have a ton a talent and 2) He probably hasn't had money for food in a long time. So he'd take any job that comes down the pike.

Now Joe, he has some talent. He had to know that Doug isn't very funny and he was going to kill an American tradition. But he went ahead with it anyway, and the show sucked. For that, I have a hard time forgiving....

..and after reading this email exchange, I like him even less. Thanks to The Superficial for this exchange between a fine upstanding American and Joe.

----------------------- Original Message ----------------
From: Kevin
Date: Mar 1, 2006 4:17 PM
Joe Rogan, I hate you... you're not funny...
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Joe Rogan
Date: Mar 1, 2006 8:07 PM
I love the fact that you need attention so bad that you had to email me that. That makes me feel happy :) Enjoy your depression. -----
------------ Original Message -----------------
From: Kevin
Date: Mar 2, 2006 7:59 AM
You really are an idiot... that 15 seconds now these 15 seconds now equal one-half of a minute that I spent letting you know that you are not funny... I sent you the message b/c you shamelessly plugged some gay event, 20 times, that I'm not going to look at... How many medications are YOU on and then you tell me who is the depressed attention-whore... Enjoy balding,
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Joe Rogan
Date: Mar 2, 2006 8:30 AM
First off, my employees send those out, and if you don't want them, get off my list. Second off, you responding to any of those event requests, and doing it the way you did it, just shows me what a cunt of a man you are. You don't like me? That's great, because you're obviously a douche bag, and the opinions of douche bags mean nothing. I love it when losers like you don't like me. I like it even more when they express it. It makes me feel really good about my life when an insecure fat fuck like yourself takes the time out to email me, because that just shows me the way your shitty little mind works, and insures me that you're always going to be what you are now... a failure. There's always gotta be people like you around, because they make people like me stand out :)
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Kevin
Date: Mar 2, 2006 8:45 AM
hahah, did i strike a nerve or something... you seem a bit testy by the way, my apologies... I should have shown Joe Rogan MUUUUCH more respect. Actor? Comedian? Shakespearian extrodinaire... People like you are the reason that everybody thinks they can make it in Hollywood and because people like you, anybody can make it into Hollywood... Look at William Hung. You did kill the Man Show Insecure? I guess we have something in common because you keep coming back at me... Your career is about over anyway, do you plan to work at the family hardware store after that? i'll be back after your next message to me... I have a bag of snacky-cakes to eat. I'm behind on my daily quoto. I'm never going to be as fat as your ego if i have to stop eating and type. ,.. Kevin
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Joe Rogan
Date: Mar 2, 2006 8:49 AM
I only wish this conversation was in real life, so I could see the nervousness in your fat little face. I enjoy these little email conversations that I have with haters :) You emailed me and insulted me because you have a mediocre mind, and that's the extent of your capabilities. You trying to insinuate that I'm a loser is even more hysterical, because I've accomplished more in my life than you ever will if you could live a thousand of your shitty lives.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Kevin
Date: Mar 2, 2006 8:53 AM
hahahh, Oh really? What is it that you have accomplished, Joe Rogan?
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Joe Rogan
Date: Mar 2, 2006 8:55 AM
Google search me, you fucking failure :)
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Kevin
Date: Mar 2, 2006 8:58 AM
you're avoiding the question... what have you accomplished
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Joe Rogan Date:
Mar 2, 2006 8:59 AM
That's my answer, find out yourself.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Kevin
Date: Mar 2, 2006 9:01 AM
hahah, Joe Rogan... This is the funniest form I have ever seen you in. You're only accomplishment, in my memory, is taking a highly successful show (The Man Show) and running it into the ground merely by your presence alone. I also don't think playing second-fiddle to Brooke Shields is much of an accomplishment.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Joe Rogan
Date: Mar 2, 2006 9:09 AM
I was never on a show with Brooke Shields. I was however on 2 shows that made it to syndication, fear factor and newsradio, which means I never have to worry about money for the rest of my life. Think about that when you're getting told what to do by your boss and struggling to pay your bills. I agree that the man show sucked, but unfortunately there wasn't a whole lot I could do about it at the time. I did however, make a fuck load of money from it, and had the time of my life. You're an ugly, fat faced zero, and I'm a famous multi millionaire. Those are the facts there, dear sweet kevin :)
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Kevin
Date: Mar 2, 2006 9:27 AM
If we are arguing who has more money... YOU WIN!!! I'm sure your "Well i have more money than you" comeback comes in very resourceful on a daily basis when people constantly tell you how not-funny you are. But i'm 20 years old... where were you at age 20 junior college? About the fat thing... I didn't realize I was fat, maybe becaue i'm so insecure, I'll go purge a few pounds and tell some tabloid that Joe Rogan made me do it. . . Skinny Hollywood, actually... What is more pathetic tho... Hollywood actor making poor attempts to insult 20 year old college student and brag about who has more money because the college student didn't think he was funny. And dont' call me 'Dear sweet Kevin." I don't what type of 'man show' you are wanting to make, but i want no part in it.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Joe Rogan Date:
Mar 2, 2006 9:35 AM
"What is more pathetic tho... Hollywood actor making poor attempts to insult 20 year old college student and brag about who has more money because the college student didn't think he was funny." Did you forget how this all got started, fatty? You insulted me, and I let you know that your opinion means shit. This wasn't some unprovoked attack by a bully, it was me defending myself to a hateful little loser.To answer your question, when I was 20, I was US open tae kwon do champion, and I was teaching it at Boston University, going to U Mass and thinking about doing stand up. I WASN'T insulting celebrities and then using my age as an excuse for why I've never accomplished anything. What the fuck have you ever done, Kevin? Come on, fat boy. Please do tell.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Kevin
Date: Mar 2, 2006 9:52 AM
obviously you didn't graduate college or else you would be able to understand what I am saying. So let me break it down for you carefully... I am a 20 year old college student... that's why I have no money. That's not my excuse YOU ARE PETHETIC BECAUSE... You continue to go back and forth with as you put it "a zero." Shoudn't you be coming up with "funny" facial expressions for candid photos? It's also not like I'm going out of my way to let you know about my "shitless" oppinions. I've never been in a movie, a sitcom, or even a shitty reality show, so to you I have accomplished nothing. But given less than a year, I know I could easily come up with a better stand-up routine than you.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Joe Rogan
Date: Mar 2, 2006 9:59 AM
Exactly what I thought, you have done NOTHING. I told you what I had accomplished by the time I was your age, and you have nothing but excuses and empty boasts. You could come up with a better stand up routine than me? That's hilarious. That's better than anything you could ever possibly say trying intentionally to be funny. "I'll show you! I could so do it if I wanted to!" Blah, fucking blah. You're falling apart here, Kevin, and it's taking you longer and longer to craft these responses. I've seen it happen a million times. There's nothing unique about you. You're a loser, pal. Always have been, always will be. If you're lucky you'll find some sad chick that's willing to let you shoot a live round inside of her, and then you'll have a little Kevin that you struggle to feed and raise. That's about the best you're ever going to do. And even then, you'll have to live with the fact that a guy like me could ALWAYS steal her away from you with minimal effort. I go "back and forth" with you because it's fun for me, and because I enjoy letting retarded douche bags like you know where they really stand in life.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Kevin
Date: Mar 2, 2006 10:14 AM
I'll admit... I'm slowing down. For some reason, even after all of this, I almost feel like telling you that you're not as bad of a person as you are a comedian/actor/TV host ... And you know ... That may even be true ... but dude ... You really do suck at all of the above. You've seen it happen a Million times?... You are probably use to a lot of people torching you on a regular basis, but I didn't think the dumb people would. I thought those &..39;tards were your fans. It doesn't take much to understand your humor. Maybe one day i'll find that girl to slip my seed in... Until then, Kevin Jr. is a long time away. To be honest with you, i vented my Joe Rogan frustrations on the very first simple message that i sent you. Since then, its just been funny to watch you get so worked up. After all is said, I am still a loser and have never accomplished anything in my life... but humbled by it... YOU... have been practicing the art of the loser for quite some time but for some reason think you are God's gift to kathy griffen and Brooke Sheilds... YOU... are also the laughing-stock of Hollywood and amongst your little sub-culture, everybody thinks you are lame. maybe that is why you enjoy lashing out against people so much.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Joe Rogan
Date: Mar 2, 2006 10:28 AM
I enjoy lashing out at people? Are you projecting, fatso? YOU started this whole thing, and now you're backed into a corner. I enjoy responding to assholes, and that's why we're having this conversation. You think I suck at all the things I do? That's fine with me, because as I've said before, the opinions of a fucking loser like you with no success to speak of means nothing. I'm the laughing stock of hollywood amongst my peers? And you know this how? Because in your little shit bag town of Athens, Ohio all my peers come over to your stinky little apartment and tell you how much they laugh at me? You got NOTHING, fat boy. Nothing to say, and nowhere to go. The only reason I'm still going with this at this point is because I think this is going to make an interesting blog entry :) Oh, and by the way, if any of you want to get in touch with Kevin, here's his myspace profile: My friend "Kevin" on myspace.

(If you've read this far, you deserve far more than this:)

He looks like an "after" in a Don't Do The Meth commercial

2006-03-07T14:20:00.000-06:00

From here: 'In a tribute to, "Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road," Eddie Van Halen showed up at Elton John's Oscar party dressed as the Wicked Witch of the West : '

He looks so bad, I think he drove the mayor of Winter Park, Florida over the edge. Hell, even Yanni got all-up in his gf's face over it. Damn. What's the world coming to when the master of the PanFlute is busting lips and dropping the c-word.

Eddie, I hope you got enough action the past 40 years to fill your tank, cause I think that ship has sailed for you. Yikes.

And one from the Britney Spears trainwreck - from Eonline:

It's not surprising that a wannabe rapper would show all the social graces of a lamprey. But Kevin Federline may have taken things to the next level, if an item in the Enquirer is to be believed. K-Fed reportedly called Malibu's Moonshadows restaurant in advance of his wife's arrival recently to arrange a surprise for her. When it came time for after-dinner sweets, the waiter refused to wheel over the dessert cart, reportedly saying, "I'm sorry, Ms. Spears, but your husband called here a few minutes ago and told us you weren't allowed to have dessert. In fact, we've been told that no one at the table can have dessert--because you'll eat it."

Poker, Nicholas Cage, and Breast etiquette

2006-03-07T09:48:00.000-06:00

Variance gave me a gentle roundkick in the jewels last night. I've got one hell of a cold which causes me to play passive. I decided to play to see how long I can force myself to play aggressively when I'm not in the mood. I found the answer: Long enough to blow a few hundred bucks.

I'm not mad about my play, I just kept running my overpair (QQ and KK) into 66 on non-threatening boards like J63. The funny thing was, both times they ended up hitting quads on the river. All the money was in by this point. 6 handed no-limit, she's got some volatility I tell you.

Now for something completely different that should make Mrs. Cheddah hit me with a frying pan...

I've got a movie industry etiquette question. I don't watch many movies. I'd rather read, or play video games. I'll go to a theatre see a good shoot-em-up or buy any piece of crap that Adam Sandler puts out but that's about it. If Mrs. Cheddah or Little Cheddahs want to go, I'm usually game because popcorn can cure most any bad movie experience.

In addition, I don't know many in the entertainment industry. Madison isn't the hotbed of producers and actors, and even in Chicago which has a decent scene I didn't get to know many in the industry. So to those of you that do know many actors and actresses, here's my question:

When a woman who was your friend in high school is in a sex scene with Nicholas Cage, how do you properly congratulate her? I'm assuming this is a positive for her career and am sincerely happy that she got the exposure. (I gotta admit though, the idea of someone I know even simulating a Nicholas Cage boning gives me the heeby-jeebies.) She was (and is still from the few encounters I've had with her the past few years) a nice, fun-loving person so I'm hoping this is her stepping stone to bigger and better things. I know she's done excellent voice over work in the past and I'm seriously glad to see she's doing well in her chosen life. On the other hand, I don't want her to think I'm a bigger deviant than she already knows I am.

I haven't seen it yet (see above) but there seems to be quite a bit of critical acclaim for her work on the imdb.com message boards from the perv element. She was definitely a hottie in high school and I enjoy boobies, so I guess I'm going to have to sit through the damn Weatherman movie just to see the scene. I vowed I wouldn't watch that flick after they disrupted my walk to work one day in Chicago when filming it, but all vows have a breast exemption clause by default.
So, my question to you gentle reader(s)... What's the proper form to congratulate someone for their partial frontal nudity and simulated sex act? I'm sure it's common-place in LA, so there must be some normal way of doing it. I was thinking something along the line of "You were good in The Weatherman Robyn. I actually believed you were enjoying having sex with Nicholas Cage. It was terrifying, but believable."

BONUS

2006-03-06T16:45:00.000-06:00

Since my "readers" will enjoy this level of humor I present to you:

Real Life Simpsons Introduction

Park City Fun

2006-03-06T14:32:00.000-06:00

I've been quite bad about posting lately. I know all 5 of you that read this have been sitting on the edge of your seat wondering what's been going on the past month. There certainly have been plenty of things to write about but after my ski trip I've been on the road a few times, gotten sick and just generally felt like a lazy piece of crap. I've played very little poker but did get 10th place finish in a $50 entry 507 person No Limit tourney. I played well with not much to speak of for cards but wasn't afraid to risk it with a slight perceived edge.

Therefore, I'm going to catch up with posts the next few days. In early February Mrs. Cheddah and I went skiing in Park City, UT with two other couples. We had a great time. The only real "Utah" moment was when we got off the plane and there was a welcoming committee waiting for one of the other travelers. The group looked like what you'd expect the families of Children of the Corn to look like, if those kids were allowed to grow up and have families. They were quite pale, and dressed like extras in a Brady Bunch episode. The returning LSD missionaries were very excited to see their parents and siblings, but the whole episode just creeped me out a bit. I go skiing to drink first, and enjoy running down other skiers second. I just afraid there might be a little too much Utah in Park City to allow me to enjoy Goal #1.

Thankfully, I was wrong. The following videos might give you a taste of the debauchery that took place during our Apres Ski on our second night of fun. I shot these on my Treo 650 so the sound and video suck, but you'll get the general idea. You'll need Quick Time Active X download to view the videos. It takes about 15 secs so don't sweat it - if you have the time to waste reading this crap, you can spare the ime for the download.

Exhibit One: When you look around a bar and can't find the entertainment, you are the entertainment. Click here to watch

They had a special on 32 oz beers. They were called Fat Boys. Considering I am a Fat Boy, I thought it was a perfect fit. It also didn't hurt our waitress was into fatboys. It said so on here shirt. That's all the encouragement I need to drink. One of our crew (we'll call him Mark) took to the fatboys like Cheddah to bacon-wrapped shrimp. This video comes after he has put down 5 of them. Yes, that's right, FIVE. You'll see more of him later.

Exhibit Two: Mrs. Cheddah likes her space. Click here to watch

Mrs. Cheddah is an upstanding member of the community (unlike her husband). She has no time for 5x Time Fat Boys and their rabble-rousing. This was the THIRD time that evening they had played Sweet Child of Mine in the rotation. You can't hear it but we thought we were pretty damn good at the time. Also wonderful half-rotation butter-churning by Mrs. Cheddah and Heather.

Exhibit Three: I Think That's Illegal - Especially in Utah. Click here to watch

Yes...what you thought happened at the end did happen. In a bar. In Utah. And yes, I giggle like a stoned Boy George when I'm drunk, so that's me you hear. At this point, the new waitress told one of the many gawkers standing around our table that he should ask us for our table in an effort to get us to leave.

Anyway, the snow was awesome, skiing was fun, and I didn't kill anyone or break anything. I wished someone had killed me when on the skilift the next day after that apres-ski, but a slammed-can of Redbull and a Bacon-cheeseburger later, I was almost new again.

Next time: the ski prop-bet thread, and info on who's backing me for WSOP 2006. Maybe a bankroll update if I get all my hands imported as well.

Anyone for Keno? The Lotto? Old Country Buffet?

2006-01-25T22:45:00.000-06:00

I am now officially on a luckbox tear. What's weird is I'm not winning the pots with the premium hands. In my 2 hr session at Stars tonight I had my premium hands lose more to runner-runner flush than you'd expect, and my preflop raises with AA/AK weren't called. I then decide to mix it up with KK and end up forcing myself to make some tough decisions and reads on a 2443A board. I did feel like I had a decent handle on my reads at the table though. When variance rears it's head it will be ugly but for now I'm enjoying the ride.

These next two examples were hands of the night. To set this up, the opponent is a very aggressive player who will bet top pair VERY hard. HE was 1.5-2.0x overbetting the pot with top pair. Not the worst strategy at the $200max 6 hand NL table, but didn't have brakes. I do a google on him while playing and I find some hand histories with him at $30/60 limit games. He had told someone that heckled him (when he lost a pot with 4th pair) that he doesn't care about losing and he had won $1600+ today. I believe him. He'll be a tough NL player when he learns to slow down in the right spots.

Anyway, on the hand between Mr_Limit and myself. He'd run his $200 up to over $300 by playing very aggressive poker to this point.

PokerStars No-Limit Hold'em, $2 BB (5 handed) converter

BB ($78)
TheCheddah ($268.70)
MP ($183.10)
Button (Small_Stack)/ ($5.70)
SB (Mr_Limit)/ ($306.75)

Preflop: TheCheddah is UTG with 4s, 4d.
TheCheddah calls $2, MP calls $2, Button (Small_Stack)/ calls $2, SB (Mr_Limit)/ completes, BB checks.

Flop: ($10) Js, 4c, 6s (5 players)
Mr_Limit bets $10, BB folds, TheCheddah calls $10, MP folds, Small_Stack calls $3.70 (All-In).

Turn: ($33.70) Jh (3 players, 1 all-in)
Mr_Limit bets $30, TheCheddah raises to $75, Mr_Limit raises to $180, TheCheddah raises to $256.7 and is all in, Mr_Limit calls $76.70.

River: ($547.10) Td (3 players, 2 all-in)

Final Pot: $547.10

Results
Mr_Limit has Jd Kh (three of a kind, jacks).
TheCheddah has 4s 4d (full house, fours full of jacks).
Small_Stack has 8h 4h (two pair, jacks and fours).
Outcome: TheCheddah wins $547.10.

Sometimes the brakepads are more important than the engine. Anyway, I pulled this gem out of my ass on the last hand, which I played only because I was leaving the table next hand (stupid, yes, but so be it):

PokerStars No-Limit Hold'em, $2 BB (6 handed) converter

BB ($173.35)
TheCheddah ($453.60)
MP (KickedInTheJunk)/ ($78)
CO ($186)
Button ($52.45)
SB ($64.45)

Preflop: TheCheddah is UTG with 5d, Qd.
MP (KickedInTheJunk)/ raises to $6, 4 folds, TheCheddah calls $4,

Flop: ($15) Qs 2c 3d
TheCheddah checks, MP (KickedInTheJunk)/ bets $10, TheCheddah calls $10.

Turn: ($35) 5c (2 players)
TheCheddah bets $17.5, MP (KickedInTheJunk)/ calls $17.50.

River: ($66) Kh (2 players)
TheCheddah bets $35, MP (KickedInTheJunk)/ calls $35.

Final Pot: $136

Results :
TheCheddah showed [5d Qd] and won ($137) with two pair, Queens and Fives
KickedInTheJunk mucks [Qc As]

At least I left him with $10. I'm not a complete bastard.

Today's fun links: This is a COPS I wish I could see.
I know he's 16, but...I hope he was blind.

At least I didn't get mesothelioma - and football picks

2006-01-20T20:58:00.000-06:00

This week was a rough one. I never caught back up on sleep from the Florida trip, and then my day job decided it was the week for all hell to break loose. I felt (metaphorically) like a coal miner with black lung disease, or a worker at a auto brake pad manufacturer just waiting to get wacked with asbestos -- but all in very speedy time. I'm sure attorneys have much worse weeks than this.

I know that didn't make sense to anyone.

Ok, now that crap is out of the way. It was a long week though I'm not sure why. Work was rough but that's part of the job description. I'm like a defensive back, except instead of being in incredible shape and paid to hit people I am fat and sit in a crappy chair all day. But both professions require that you forget about the bad plays/blowups and take each situation independently. Still sucks when you're wrong though.

And for those of you that care: my guy likes the away teams this week. I'll have all the fun prop bets ready for the Superbowl. And as I speak I'm playing in the blogger $10 HORSE tournament at Full Tilt. Somehow it's 50 mins in and I'm not out yet; in fact, I'm in 10th of 52 remaining.

My Travel This Weekend (or Fear The Alamo)

2006-01-17T08:23:00.000-06:00

Act One: Scene One:

Setting: Alamo Car Rental parking lot. Requirement to work at this lot in Palm Beach: 1) Born below the line. 2) Ability to go to bathroom 50% of the time without peeing on self.

Bus Driver: "Ok, SUV stop. You take whatever one you want. [Launches luggage to the curb]. The keys are in the car, we're really busy right now."

Hero: "Those car seats are mine too. Yes, that's right, I have 4 bags, a stroller, 2 car seats and 2 kids on a 3 day trip. I also decided it would be a good idea to stay up until midnight the night before having to get up at 4am to start this jaunt to Florida. Come to think of it, can I have an application?"

Bus Driver: "Huh?" [Shotputs Dora the Explorer backpack into parking lot]

Hero: "Never mind. That's all my luggage right? Thanks"

[Bus Driver closes door, pulls a tranny drop in parking lot]

[Cue children whine/rabblerousing]

[Hero begins to lug luggage like the donkey/pack animal he is. Doesn't have enough arms to get the biggest piece of luggage.]

Hero: "I'll come back and get the biggest piece of luggage. Man, that piece has sentimental value. We bought it for our first trip together married. I hope nothing happens to it."

[Cue foreshadowing music]

END SCENE ONE

SCENE TWO: On a different Alamo Bus. This one is named The Punisher.

Bus Driver: "Is that a bag or a small child in the road? Fuck it, I'm running it over either way."

[Bus Driver steps on gas]

[Crunching noise followed by blood-curdling scream from the luggage pinned below. It goes away shortly]

Bus Driver: "Heh, heh,heh."

END SCENE TWO

SCENE THREE: Alamo parking lot. Hero is wandering aimlessly, calling out for his luggage.

Hero: "Black bag with Orange-electric tape on handle? Black bag with Orange-electric tape on handle, where are you?"

[Another traveler enters stage left]

[Car Renter] "Dude, you missing a bag?"

[Hero] "Why yes I am"

[Car Renter] "I think it's in front, left under a bench to die. It don't look pretty."

[Dark music blares]

[Hero] "Noooooooooo!"

END SCENE THREE

SCENE FOUR (last one): In front of Alamo office. Manager and Hero present.

Hero: "What the hell happened to my bag? I left it for 30 seconds?"

Manager: "Ahhh, you left it in the road."

Hero: "It's a fricking parking lot. The whole 4 acres is 'a road'"

Manager: "Umm, you left it in the road."

Hero: "Technically, yes. Question for you: if my son sets foot in the parking lot, does that mean he's fair game too?"

Manager: "Sorry, got to go freebase."

Hero: "Thanks."

FINI
--------------------------------------------------------
These are the pictures from the above Lifetime movie, taken on the Treo 600 crap-camera (as Dave Berry calls it). They can't do justice but they'll have to do. The zipper was intact but the entire piece was split sideways. The whole thing was covered in a mixture of oil and melted cheap rubber/plastic. Amazingly enough nothing inside was hurt, though everything was pretty dirty. We had some personal electronics items inside (Garmin running GPS thing, MP3 player) that came through without a scratch.

Donkeying Up In HORSE

2006-01-09T21:26:00.000-06:00

My tourney life has been running cold lately so I decided to mix it up a little bit. I'm likely heading out to play in some cash games during the LA Poke Classic, and decided I'd enter one of the $1500 events if I could get my tournament game on track. When I get in a rut I like to change it up a bit, and there's nothing like HORSE to force a change.

I'm a decent limit hold em player, but my skills go downhill quickly from there. I tend not to have the patience to wait for the right hands in Razz or O8, and slowly bleed away chips. Therefore, I'm forced to think more about each of the games because I've haven't played enough Razz or O8 H/L to be able to "put it on autopilot" like I could with a HE game. Since I struggle to keep focus in tournaments, the change does me good.

I'm not sure if today was good for me or not. Man, in limit tourneys I always feel like I'm drawing to some donkey hand because I let myself get down to the felt and the blinds tend to move up quickly. I was 53 of 55 at one point in today's $20+2 HORSE tournament at Full Tilt. It's a different feeling from NL, where you at least have the ability to force some pressure points before getting down in the Red Zone. So on one hand, I feel like I waited too long to take a stand and was forced to luck out with some low-percentage draws.

On the other hand....

To anyone I caused to reload on their blood pressure medication, I apologize. It won't happen again.

What would you do (and the passivity pendulum)

2006-01-07T21:22:00.000-06:00

Played (if you can call it that) in a FTP $26/2 MTT last night. I watched a player get involved in 12 hands vol in 2 trips around the table. I then get TT 2 off the button, raise it up 3.5x the blinds, and get called only by Mr. Playsalot.

Flop comes K-rag-rag rainbow...long story short, I am betting the whole way. From having watched his play I'm thinking he'd reraise me if he hit his K, so I'm most likely up against some Ax hand.

He calls me the whole way down with his KK. No reraise, not even on the river. Was a little confused by that one but it allowed me to flop around for another 30 mins or so. Not my best performance by any means. Lately I've been playing less "controlled passive" and falling back into the "crappy passive" mode. It's been my experience that you've got more people overplaying hands at FTP in this lower dollar MTT's, so letting them lead when you've got a solid hand works well. Unfortunately, I can take that too far if I'm not careful. I'm going to try to turn that around tonight.

Before I go, here's a hand history from a friend that has cleaned house at BoDog in 2005. This one came after he had built up a nice tight table image. I'm going to do more of these in a segment I call WWCD (What Would Cheddah Do)

$100NL...3 off button, first in raises to $2.25 with 35c. Only the blinds call. The flop - a dream 2c35 rainbow. The blinds check, he bets half the pot. All of sudden, small blind raises to $10 (leaving $7.55 in his stacks). The big blind calls (he's got $36 left).

What do you do here? I'll post the outcome either in the comments or in a future post.

2006-01-06T19:50:00.000-06:00

I know I'm crazy. Not selling-crayons-on-the-train crazy, but sometimes I get a little too excited about things. Today was one of those days.

I had a package coming by UPS. When I checked the tracking site, it said it had been put on the truck at 6:23am. I didn't want to miss it (for a variety of reasons) so I even skipped out of work for two hours while my wife worked out so some one would be here to sign for it.

1pm came...2pm came..3pm came and my wife told me I couldn't call home anymore. She'd call me when it finally showed up. Jeesh, you call someone every 30 mins for a few hours, and you find out their true colors. Finally, at 6:25pm it showed up.

It's the Cheddah's gift to himself, and a way to make sure I don't piss away all the poker winnings of the past year. I can now 4 table in style (when I'm on a meth binge). It should make 2-tabling much more enjoyable all the time.