Setting: Alamo Car Rental parking lot. Requirement to work at this lot in Palm Beach: 1) Born below the line. 2) Ability to go to bathroom 50% of the time without peeing on self.
Bus Driver: "Ok, SUV stop. You take whatever one you want. [Launches luggage to the curb]. The keys are in the car, we're really busy right now."
Hero: "Those car seats are mine too. Yes, that's right, I have 4 bags, a stroller, 2 car seats and 2 kids on a 3 day trip. I also decided it would be a good idea to stay up until midnight the night before having to get up at 4am to start this jaunt to Florida. Come to think of it, can I have an application?"
Bus Driver: "Huh?" [Shotputs Dora the Explorer backpack into parking lot]
Hero: "Never mind. That's all my luggage right? Thanks"
[Bus Driver closes door, pulls a tranny drop in parking lot]
[Cue children whine/rabblerousing]
[Hero begins to lug luggage like the donkey/pack animal he is. Doesn't have enough arms to get the biggest piece of luggage.]
Hero: "I'll come back and get the biggest piece of luggage. Man, that piece has sentimental value. We bought it for our first trip together married. I hope nothing happens to it."
[Cue foreshadowing music]
END SCENE ONE
SCENE TWO: On a different Alamo Bus. This one is named The Punisher.
Bus Driver: "Is that a bag or a small child in the road? Fuck it, I'm running it over either way."
[Bus Driver steps on gas]
[Crunching noise followed by blood-curdling scream from the luggage pinned below. It goes away shortly]
Bus Driver: "Heh, heh,heh."
END SCENE TWO
SCENE THREE: Alamo parking lot. Hero is wandering aimlessly, calling out for his luggage.
Hero: "Black bag with Orange-electric tape on handle? Black bag with Orange-electric tape on handle, where are you?"
[Another traveler enters stage left]
[Car Renter] "Dude, you missing a bag?"
[Hero] "Why yes I am"
[Car Renter] "I think it's in front, left under a bench to die. It don't look pretty."
[Dark music blares]
[Hero] "Noooooooooo!"
END SCENE THREE
SCENE FOUR (last one): In front of Alamo office. Manager and Hero present.
Hero: "What the hell happened to my bag? I left it for 30 seconds?"
Manager: "Ahhh, you left it in the road."
Hero: "It's a fricking parking lot. The whole 4 acres is 'a road'"
Manager: "Umm, you left it in the road."
Hero: "Technically, yes. Question for you: if my son sets foot in the parking lot, does that mean he's fair game too?"
Manager: "Sorry, got to go freebase."
Hero: "Thanks."
FINI
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These are the pictures from the above Lifetime movie, taken on the Treo 600 crap-camera (as Dave Berry calls it). They can't do justice but they'll have to do. The zipper was intact but the entire piece was split sideways. The whole thing was covered in a mixture of oil and melted cheap rubber/plastic. Amazingly enough nothing inside was hurt, though everything was pretty dirty. We had some personal electronics items inside (Garmin running GPS thing, MP3 player) that came through without a scratch.
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